How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
