The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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