I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
