i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
