I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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