Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
