you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
