I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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