dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
