I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
