mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
My penis needs a shock collar
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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