I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
No stitches, just platelets and will power
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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