he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize