my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
