You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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