May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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