I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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