I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Let's get the cat blown out
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
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