P.S. I can't hear my feet
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
