Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
