he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Randomize
