i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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