Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
