Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
My dick has a subreddit
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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