he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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