My sheets look like a crime scene.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
