I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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