Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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