I want to walk on stilts...naked
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
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