Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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