Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
