have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I want to fling myself into the sun
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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