Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
