I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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