i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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