I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
