She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
