so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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