Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
