my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
