Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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