I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize