Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I think your dad took our porno
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
