Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
