ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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