I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
