Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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