Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
