Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
