I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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