That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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