u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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