i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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