The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
