I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
you had me at cake vodka
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
