note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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