But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
