Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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