at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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