dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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