You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize