I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I just googled if crying burns calories
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
