If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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