apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
