Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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