WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
