He asked to "fluff my boner.."
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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