My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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