Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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