I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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