dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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