Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize